I am currently sitting on the river bank in Alaska. It's the last day of our thee day fishing trip. I've had an amazing time hanging out with my family. I am honestly and seriously blessed that I have the family I do. All this time is showing me how much I've missed out on. This year I've reconnected with friends and family and it's been wonderful!

The first day of the trip, the fish were jumping. We got there in the afternoon and dropped the boat. My father, brother, and I went on the river while my step-mother, niece, and nephew all fished from the bank. We caught our limit (two) in a couple hours and we were off to the trailer. The second day I only caught one fish during several hours on the boat... We still really celebrated that night and it was a sluggish start on the last day. Luckily, every time I caught a fish I had my brother or father there to net it, and they didn't seem to mind bonking them on the head and removing the hook for me... I really didn't mind either!

Back to the riverbank... I was sitting with my lovely step-mother, Judi, and I kept snagging a log a losing my lures, I also had to keep reeling in every time a boat went into shore. I kept gazing down the river at a spot where no one was at. I finally decided that I was moving down there. I grabbed some bait, my three dollar knife, and a chair and headed down. I'm sitting on the waters edge, with headphones on. It is 65-70 degrees and just beautiful out. The sun is streaming across my face and a light breeze is cooling the sun warming my skin. It's in this moment that I realize, I'm enjoying myself. It's so calm and peaceful, and I don't feel that guilty about the poor Salmon. They are tasty and I'm helping my family build up the reserves! It doesn't matter that it seems like no one is getting any fish. It's not from a lack of trying!

I am relaxing and listening to all the music I have on random. Enrique Iglesias ft. Pitbull "I like it", is playing when I feel the tug on my line. I'm alone, I don't have a fish "bonker" or anyone with a net... It's all me right now! I'm not panicked, I don't need someone next to me telling me what to do. I start to reel in the fish, it all seems to happen too fast! Hold the pole up, let it tire itself out. I have the music pumping into my ears and I am reeling too much anyway, but it's working. I know I need to get it in and walk it into the bank a little farther than usual. That is exactly what I do. It glides across the bank, I put the pole down and grab it. I find the nearest rock and say to the fish "Sorry fishie, thank you!!" and put it out of it's misery. I realized that I don't have needle nose pliers so I whip out my 3.00 knife and it near perfectly gets the job done!

"Fishie" is a very decent sized girl Salmon, I caught with a reel I got for my birthday in High School, my parents still had. I was the only one of the six in our group that got a fish today. It was truely a wonderful feeling to do it all on my own! Walking back to the group and seeing all the stares of the people around that had been trying all day was nice. Being able to show it to my Dad with the smile saying "Look what I did!" was priceless. I got the feeling they were a little shocked, then again, I was too..

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Hello 2010
It's a new decade... I remember the promise and elation the mere thought "2000" would bring. It didn't turn out so well, it sucked ass to be mildly specific! Layoffs, job changes, my partner getting ill and having a condition for life, and only finishing three College classes!!!! (At least I got all A's!)

So for the same reason I don't make New Year’s resolutions, I leave 2010 and beyond to fate. I realize it was in fates hand anyway, but maybe it will be nicer to me if I stoke it's ego.

I no longer live in a house. Originally it was nice to pretend to "play house". The Overload that lived next door made it impossible to enjoy, and being the daughter of the owner, she felt that she owned us also. I've never met such a self deluded spoiled brat in her 60's, and hope I never meet anything as lifeless and shallow again. She's going to take up space in 2010 but as long as 2011 and on is without her, I might have hope for human kind again. Right now, I don't even want to tell my new land lord that my dishwasher leaks a lot. Sooner or later, doing the dishes by hand will get old.

The most part of the last decade is just that... dealing with sick people. Some sick of the body and some of the mind. We now live in a cute condo that's a little over stuffed but the neighbors don't tell us how to live our lives... weather we can have children... or just bad mouth us to everyone on the block. We really enjoy that! The people next door play their TV too loud and I can hear a bass line thumping in my kitchen or master bedroom. I don't really mind! Really! I have a lease, so now I only get to freak out once a year while waiting for it to get renewed, not be constantly in fear of being asked to leave.

My partner got ill many years back. There were warning signs leading up to the illness, Signs no one that age would ever worry about, I will never forget the exact moment when he came home from work looked at me with a deep pain reading on his face... and just went down crying for me to take him to the ER. I can still see it clearly, and my life hasn't been the same since that moment. I didn't get sick, but the changes to my life were so dramatically acute, I might as well have the physical pain to go with the scars. This decade has moved me away from my hopes and dreams, and I hope I have the strength to correct that.

All in all, it doesn't matter where you live. Happiness is something we aspire to achieve, yet we are the ones that define it for ourselves. We let the people in our lives that enrich the experience, sometimes those entities wreak havoc. I forgive all those who have hurt me... (Except for one cunty landlady, maybe next year!) And hope that anyone I've offended or hurt will forgive my shortcomings. I am not a mean, spiteful, or violent person. I hope that my intentions outweigh my mistakes.

I lost my job about 8 months ago. The company decided to close three departments and hire people to work it. Well I didn’t get the job… nor did I get the trainee position. That was very rough to take. I’m not smart enough to be a trainee… for a job I mostly know. Come to find out that they only took two people from my department to keep the knowledge. Most of the other people, I’ve heard rumor, got heads up from the people giving the test what to study. So I wasn’t “in” from the start. How depressing! I might have taken a large pay cut, at least I have options! Now that I have less rent and bills in the condo, I don’t have to take a job I don’t want. I don’t want my old job back… unless they fire all the asshole that changed what was working to “save” money. I’m not going to go get a Cert to get the chance to beg for a job. I’m in the same company; I want to find a team I can work with. Where I can use my skills to enrich!

Lastly, I started a cookbook. I’ve got a ton of ideas to write books, I just never seem to gain steam when I start. At least with cooking, you are motivated to keep going! A guy’s gotta eat, and you can put it down and pick it back up while you test recipes in everyday life! The concept should work well with the current recession, so hopefully it can be done by the time things get better yet people will still want it!

This is summing up a decade… but really, I’m just talking about the last few years. I could go on for days and days! I just find it helpful to go back and read my postings on Live Journal (sorry, a lot of them are marked private) and remember how I was thinking at a specific time.

To the Lady on the bus.
Dear “lady” on the bus… Every morning I wake up, shower, and trudge to the bus stop. I’m perfectly fine during this process. I get on the bus and usually sit in the very back. Not because I feel my social status deems me to be there, but because it has the most leg room.

You get on the bus wearing more perfume than could possibly be contained in one bottle! While sitting in the front of the bus, your noxious stench wafts back and drop kicks my sinuses into a fit. So I sit and dream of fresh air, trying to shove my face out the window… you’re the type to stare at me like I have swine flu as I’m sneezing and sniffling. I hope you realize that I’m not going to simply blow my nose and open myself up for a new assault. It’s the only defense my body has since my brain is keeping my hands busy with a book. So they cannot lash out and strangle you where you sit and throw your vapid smelling corpse in the ditch at the next stop.

At least I have the small satisfaction if seeing the look of disgust on your face as I sniffle sniffle sniffle. It seems to me you have loaded the most caustic chemicals into a device that disperses it throughout the day at a constant lethal level. Is this a bug repellant? Man repellant? The only way to ensure a space cushion on the bus? Do you have to take an Antidote to tolerate your own smell or did you just build up a tolerance? I don’t see a colostomy bag bulge, so what are you hiding or trying to cover up?

Please try wearing perfume for your own enjoyment. I don’t need to smell you coming from a week away. Also, take your feigned shock and indignant looks and shove them up the one place on your body that probably smells better then you do. Now, I go back to day dreaming of dragging you out to the yard and hosing you down with a garden hose and scrubbing you with gasoline and tomato juice.

Keith Olbermann, New Gay Activist?
Keith Olbermann is not a Gay Activist! He's a Human Rights supporter... He knows injustice and is passionate about it. Thanks for a voice of reason in a sea of hate...

Obama, Yo Momma!
I thought I voted for "Change" instead I got a ghetto "Psych!" and slap in the face. Appears to me that I didn't specify that the change would affect me also... I just picked my new oppressor like I do every election. This time I believed that I had a chance to just be a normal citizen and people could move on. I must be mistaken and was stupid to get my hopes up. Fuck change if it's going to a spineless cog in the existing wheel!

Why do some religious people seem like they are in a depressed cult?
Here's an article from the opinion section of the Des Moines Register in Iowa.

I think the Family is so wrong and may have helped push their son away. Maybe they should have taught him that gay people were valid members of society. They could have helped steer him in a good direction instead of shunning him and leaving him to the world. How many times had you told your son that Homosexuality was a sin, gross, and that they go to hell? Did you realize that you were telling him that he was a worthless sinner? I can empathize how trapped he must have felt. Did you write that article to cover your guilt for failing him?

He was not "recruited", if we could do that, EVERY hot guy would be gay! David Beckham, Anderson Cooper, and Prince Harry would be my gay posse, Those gay republicans would be straight... the interesting choices are the ones that parents seem to make about weather or not to unconditionally love their children. He was a whole person derived from your genetic make-up and decision to have him. When gay people that breed/adopt and raise a well adjusted straight child... do you see them writing about failure, that they were Recruited in school by the filthy "Hetros"?

Had your son told you he was gay, would you try to cure him, or would you help him understand his feelings in a positive light? Had it occurred to you that teaching him of Safer Sex, much like you teach a girl to warn her about pregnancy might have changed everything? You would still have a gay son, but maybe he'd be alive and have found a partner and adopted a kid that would be your grandchild... I'm not saying that you could have changed anything, you might not have known. The idea of being able to marry might have changed his outcome. He might have thought more of his future goals then allowing himself to live in the moment.

Instead of passing the blame to the Gay Community, I think you should be warning other parents that they could have the same experience unless they change their small minded, short sighted ways. You may help another person get what they need to make informed decisions in life. Get through to the other parents and encourage them to talk to their children. Gay, Straight, Transgendered, Bisexual, Confused, Boy, or Girl... protect yourself! You can say no to anyone at anytime! You are loved and cherished! Don't listen to opinion articles filled with hatred.

Poor Randy... what was it like to die with a group of people that "Love" you but can't accept you or condone your life. That would be my worst nightmare... hell on earth, while being told I'm going to hell in death. If I believed in such a place, that is.

************************** The Article **************************

Guest column: Homosexual lifestyle, marriage cause families pain

This April marked our 47th wedding anniversary. My wife, Judy, and I have been blessed with an enduring love that has brought us through the ups and downs of nearly five decades together. We raised three wonderful children, and now enjoy being grandparents. Ours has in many ways been a storybook life.

The single most tragic event in our years together has been the untimely death of our oldest son, Randy. Our firstborn was a blessing that brought so much joy into our lives. He was extremely smart, he participated in extracurricular activities, graduated with many honors and went on to college. After college, he moved to Omaha and took a job. It was while he was living in Omaha that one of Randy's co-workers recruited him into the homosexual "lifestyle."

We loved our son as much as any parents have ever loved a son. Even when we became aware of his homosexuality, we assured him of our love. That is not to say that we condoned or accepted what we knew to be a dangerous "lifestyle," but we always maintained our relationship with the son we had raised and the man we prayed would be delivered from homosexuality.

When we discovered that Randy was sick, we invited him to come home to seek medical attention. We suspected the worst, but hoped for anything else. Either way, we wanted to help our son and see his health restored. We knew the tests would leave no doubt, but there simply are no words to describe the pain of hearing your firstborn say, "Dad, I'm HIV positive."

As a parent, nothing can prepare you for the loss of a child to a terminal illness. It's somehow worse when that illness resulted from your child's reckless decision and his own actions. Witnessing the daily physical deterioration of our son caused great pain and sadness to us as parents and on the extended family as well.

It was interesting to note that once Randy was diagnosed HIV positive, the homosexual community who had actively recruited him and had claimed to be his "family" were nowhere to be found. As his health declined, he spoke frankly about the homosexual experience. Randy said, "It is not an alternate lifestyle. It is a cult."

For years, my wife and I have watched the media and homosexual activists work together to redefine family and marriage in our society. The consistent message has been that homosexual "marriage" will hurt no one, and that those of us who support marriage only between one man and one woman will not be impacted. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Our hearts go out to people caught up in homosexuality. The destruction and pain that homosexuality leaves in its wake is deep and impacts so many more than just the individuals caught up in the activity. We now know several other couples who are struggling with a son who chose to engage in homosexuality. We know the pain they endure, and understand when they reach out for help. One person's homosexuality causes stress and strain on every friend and relative who truly cares about them.

For the Iowa Supreme Court to sanction homosexual "marriage" is to encourage and underwrite the negative results that naturally come from the homosexual "lifestyle." Aside from the physical destruction inflicted on those who practice homosexuality and the incredible stress homosexuals cause their extended families, society often pays a hefty price as well. Randy lost his job when he was no longer strong enough to work. With the loss of that job, he lost his ability to insure himself. As a result, you the taxpayer paid for more than $250,000 in medical bills for this one AIDS patient.

For those still uncertain about homosexual "marriage," please understand that the more accepting we are of homosexuality as a society, the more likely it is that your family, and society in general, will suffer the pain that ultimately results. Homosexuality took the life of our son. We oppose homosexuality and homosexual "marriage" in the hope that we might help another family avoid the pain that we have endured.

Um, the storm came last Sunday... sorry you missed it.
I've just seen like the 50th spoof of "The Storm", this time on Funny or Die... They are all funny(ish) and make light of a VERY scary video. A storm is coming, and watching the video the first time, I realized that I was the storm, me. What none of these videos is touching on is the blatant bigotry they are instilling into the American conscience. Do parents not want a child to grow up and know that people of the same sex are lesser humans? Is it okay for them to bury their heads in the sand until they have a gay child… then either embrace it or shun it? Are Drs allowed to look at a person’s sexuality and decide not to treat them? Kids learn what gay is before parents have a chance to tell them.

I grew up gay… I grew up in fear, picked on, a liar of my own identity, and empathetic for all humans and living creatures. My role models growing up were Boy George… Dead or Alive… Hollywood from Mannequin… Matt on Melrose Place that got killed for being gay.

Stop being bigots’ assholes! I can't be mean and vindictive, but I’d like to start preaching out against your rights and harassing you… but I can’t. I can’t do that to the honest and normal people that understand the basic rights of Americans. I can’t single the stupid people out of the crowd… can you all wear buttons or something? Just something that says "Stupid Bigot" on it so I can laugh when you are beaten with baseball bats for just living your life… so I can see you with wild eyes yelling that you will not put up with such insensitivity that you are American and have rights? Then I’ll make laws that say you live here, but since you’re stupid you can’t visit your loved ones in the hospital or make choices for them. You can’t inherit all of the things you built with another person if they die. Well you can, but you have to pay taxes on it… try to keep your car only to find you cannot afford it! If my partner died tomorrow, am I a widower? Or did I just “date” someone for over 11 years. I think the stupid people need to be singled out… I don’t want them near children! Think of the C H I L D R E N! They might grow up and think that hatred is ok… that they can rewrite laws to better fit the world to the bible (Fictional piece of crap) Yes, I called the bible crap! I may not have equal marriage rights but I’m still a FUCKING American… and I can still say what I want!

So count your blessings that there isn't a real "Storm" coming. You can hide behind your actors, books, and committees. Hold your children in front of you as a shield. You don’t protect them from Drugs, Sex, or any of the things they learn from each other at school. You don’t protect them in real life, so stop using them and faith to attack me. I am not a storm, but you’d wish I were something mild, as such, if I ever get pushed into a corner!

The smell that's swell...
So I've been on a cheap kick lately (ok the last 20 years). I feel like having a Gwyneth Paltrow ( moment and sharing a little back story, I'll just spare the the pretensions bastardization of other peoples recipes with my own 24 karat, money is no option, additions. (other then that I don't see what the big deal is, I like GOOP, then again I only read the food link).

It is a rare Portland, Oregon day... sporadically overcast with light showers and patches of sunshine that only early spring can produce. I'm walking to Safeway during lunch to do some shopping. I like to do this once a week or so, to get breakfast, lunch, snack items while at work. If you total up some vending machine expenditures for a week or two, you know what I mean! I don't have the luxury of having a lunch created for me everyday like one guy in the office... Bastard! The showers start up a block away from work so I pull my hood on (only tourists use umbrellas ella ella a a). I have Pink playing on the MP3 player reminding me she's "Not Dead" yet and I have to smile because neither am I, and that's something to hold on to in the rain weaving through downtown traffic.

I walk he isles and pick out some veggies (You can chop and store carrots, celery, broccoli, and many other produce items in containers in the fridge) I have been buying fresh, extra long sourdough rolls for 59 cents and sliced turkey for 60 cents (2 oz) adding lettuce, tomato, mayo, and mustard (sometimes dill relish) for a cheap filling sandwich. Triscuts were on sale for $1.60 and I had to try the new Rye ones! After a quick browse of the sale rack I couldn't live without the Tamales Mix for $2.50!

If I were going to make Tamales, I'd do it from scratch, that's just how I roll in the kitchen. But when it's 1/2 hour to get up and ready, 8 hours at work, 1/2 hour lunch with 2 hours of commute a weekday before getting my 8 hours of sleep, I'd rather not spend too much time in the kitchen... I may be a purist, but honey, I'm also a realist! I have four hours to cook dinner, pretend to listen to someone's ENTIRE day/previous nights dreams in minute detail, and keep my DVR at a reasonable level if emptiness! I will whip up some Tamale Pie or use it for a Mexican style pot pie.

So.... onto the point of wanting to open LiveJournal and write something after a really long time....

Walking back from Safeway to the office with grocery sacks in hand, a familiar scent wafts through the air and stops me dead in my tracks (In the middle of the street) I smell something green and relaxing! It's close... I whip around and look for open apartment building windows... people cowered in a stoop looking around in a very guilty fashion. I see none of these things... I realize that I'm standing in the middle of the road sniffing at the air like our cat Othello when he smells real meat being cooked. I'm sure I even had the glazed look of resolve in my eyes too! I keep walking towards the building and there it is again... I look ahead and the some guy is just walking down the street smoking a joint. Who does he think he is... I'd have the decency of at least hiding or pretending I know what I'd doing is wrong! I'm jealous as hell, cause I wish I could be doing that but NOOOOOOOO I have responsibility and stuff, I have to walk the line of the legal and just stick with booze! I walk quickly and follow him for a few blocks. I find myself taking in the aroma... like I do outside the bar when I've had a few and REALLY REALLY want a cigarette but I've quit.... :( I realize I'm a little pathetic following some guy on the street and I'm just listening to my music and taking in the smell... a walking daydream. He then casts the butt into the street... I stare at it while walking by and pity I can't just finish it off... I could go back to work and just zone out for the rest of the day... most likely polish off this box of Triscuits in two hours. Be released from the stress of the impending layoff that I have to plan for... having to cope with a new job, that's most likely less paying. I wanted to pick that thing up and coast through the day, forgetting it's fucking Monday! In the old day I would have snatched it up and at least took it home, an ode to my frugal nature. Now I look at it and think, do I want Whooping Cough, Herpes, Hepatitis!? No thank you.. !

But alas, It's not responsible, and the last thing I need is a loose(r) tongue at work. But I feel better now, A little euphoric even! This must be that Contact High people talk about. It's a real thing! I have a huge sandwich to eat, good music piped in my ear, a good book to read on the bus when I get off of work in two hours.

By then I'll need a beer!

Open letter to Avril Lavigne...

I kind of like your music... I realize that I’m not a 13 year old trying to act too cool by liking you and not dressing like you because you disapprove of flattery just to feel superior. Considering that lately, you've been wearing the same Hollywood slut ensemble that the other hoochies are, I'm glad you have told our worlds youth not to dress like you. I'm offended by your claim to originality... the pink streaks happened before your time. I think even Barbie stole them from someone. If you use Kool-aide, they wash out!

Now I think that I have valid points to the argument that you need to just go away for a while. You need to get that anger under control... not too much because I think that's what ruined Alanis (But I still like her better). You've sold out... the concerts, the pseudo-punk-wannabe lifestyle, the rebel with a credit card, bimbo with an edge.

You progressed from challenged beautiful lyrics like in Tomorrow, Naked, and Things I'll never say to "Hey you, I don't like your girlfriend, I think you need a new one." How endearing, you can steal a man and be a total bitch at the same time. That's another excellent message to send to the girls of the world. Where once you gave hope and the message that you can have integrity and end up on top... you now are just as fake as Ashley Simpson! Yes, you hit that level of "poser" status. It hurts me to say it, but it's still the truth. I'm not trying to pull a Perez over on you. I don't quite understand his level of persistent anger. Then again, with his job I'm sure he's subjected to more of your antics then I am. I still laugh when he calls you April.... he he he.

Please fall out of the limelight... take a while to really work on some real music. Get in touch with reality again! Go AWAY and make us miss you and beg you to come back, release a new album of stunning clarity in a few years. Tell us about the journey you are on now, and how you saw what an idiot you’ve become. I refuse to believe that the direction you are taking is maturing in any way. Quit thinking of “Hooks” and get back to melodies and lyrics. Quit being a douche and then use one on your life.

On the 13th I totally posted reworked lyrics to Lindsey Lohans "Rumors", Then she got arrested. Sadly I had to laugh even more... when it hit me that I totally knew this was gonna happen... just didn't think it would be so soon. I have this great idea, I'm gonna sell fake SCRAM anklets. I mean really, we were all "almost" duped into thinking she was serious this time and that anklet really helped... until the 2am coke rage and impending arrival at the Betty Ford Clinic (now that's serious).

I think she needs to go away... she can come back after she finds herself in a couple of years. That or she can do a reality show (It should be called "Tweak it like Sizemore") Ohhh maybe a sex tape... doing lines off of some random guys dick and playing with knives.

I just saw this on TMZ...

I nearly pee'd my pants!


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